Couple Work
I have a real passion for couples counselling. By couple I mean anyone in a relationship, be it two people who are married, preparing to make more of a commitment, same sex or opposite sex, already separated or living together.
Both partners come into a relationship with their own style of communication and people also have different ways of dealing with conflict. When two people cannot resolve a problem patterns of conflict develop within the relationship that hinder each person from flourishing in the relationship. It can be hard to comprehend how the relationship which came together in love and attraction can now be causing such pain. It can leave people feeling they cannot find their way back to where they were when they met.
Here are some common thoughts that occur that stop people seeking couple counselling.
I want to come but I don’t think my partner will
Your partner can be wary of counselling for many reasons. They may have had a past experience of counselling that has made them wary. No matter what has happened in the relationship and how couples may have hurt each other I have seen couples rebuild their relationships even when they have felt there is no hope. It’s not an easy decision to come to counselling and while it is desirable to have the first session together but may be that initially coming alone may be your only option.
If I come it will just be to hear it’s all my fault
Counselling is not about holding judgement. Sometimes a person thinks the counselor will take sides, and unfortunately you do hear of this happening. If the counselor cannot be even-handed in the room and one person feels they are being judged, especially by the counselor, I don’t believe the counselling can work. You are not in counselling to work out who is at fault and to allocate blame. You are there to see if you can move past hurts and heal and communicate better.
If we want couple therapy will we be seen together or separately?
Individual counselling is very different to couples counselling because with couple counselling it is the relationship itself that is my client. The first session is usually done together but there is benefit to seeing individuals separately after this initial joint session. This is a chance for me to understand what each partner contributes to the relationship’s dynamics. Also to understand how their ideas about relationships developed. Then the couple continue the process together. The reasons for how I work will be explained the first time I met clients.
Is there any point if I don’t want to be together anymore?
Couple counselling does not have an agenda of keeping couples together, sometimes couple therapy is about the reality of the couple not coming to counselling to stay together but for the sake of the children involved finding a way to separate with dignity and finding ways to try to keep the impact on children to a minimum. You need to co-parent your children going forward in a way that supports them and also gives support to your own decision of how you want to live your life going forward.
Counselling is just talking or chatting and that doesn’t get us anywhere.
The counselling methods I use for counselling are research based and have been developed from over 40 years of study by clinical psychologists’ studying thousands of couples. Looking at distinct patterns that hinder relationships and how to identify those problems and how to change them. We get into these patterns over the years and by the time couples come they on average have been experiencing real trouble in the relationship for 6 years. Some people I see have struggled for much much longer.
Counselling is not easy for either party but if things are not working now and they feel hopeless maybe it’s worth trying a different approach. Most couples want to find their way back to where they began and that might mean learning how to rebuild trust and friendship.